31st July 2009 What a lovely quotation
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”
- Mother Teresa
It’s 15:10 and i’ve decided to prioritize myself, my happiness and that of those closest to me. I feel like i’ve been running round in circles not knowing what to do, asking questions from the people i love, expecting them to make my decisions for me.
Journalling has been difficult, for it requires me to be in touch with my emotions. Sitting here back on cipramil that i got from the doctor to supress my anger and irritability, i feel that i may have failed myself in going onto these tablets. I feel much weaker on them as a person, although i don’t anger quite so much or get so emotional.
To me however, life is about experiencing the colour and full range of emotions, not just living inside the box that soceity creates and those around you who would prefer you to conform to there standards and belief systems. Personally i’m sure that i can go back to my own ways, but i’m sure there are many other people in the world with problems who stay trapped by the seemingly harmless antidepressants.I won’t speculate anymore. I just know that it’s probably not natural, but then nor is eating chips or unhealthy foods and drinks but i do this regularly also.
I would say we have a drug epidemic at the moment, if it’s not prescription drugs, it’s hard drugs from dealers that are the next choice for most. I don’t know may social circles where drugs are not involved in some way or another, whether prescription based or not. It worrys me, my experience of drugs being an elevated experience of human life. However should we not be going out of our way to gain these experiences safely or has drug taking become so common place that it is safe, that society is actually founded on it in many respects. This is the invisible thread that holds people together, keeps people at work, keeps people in check and keeps this system together. Again i’m just philosophizing here as per my recent experiences and that of others i know.
My brain feels somewhat messed up today. The last month has been eventful that’s for sure. Since i wrote last my memory is so poor. I remember i missed my grandads birthday and i still keep meaning to get him a gift to take through when i have chance. I remember that i bought a new rabbit pen for the bunnies to enjoy some grass and sunshine. The thing that sticks in my head the most though is being assaulted on sunday 12th july. My brothers birthday.
My boyfriend had taken me out for a meal to a lovely local italian restaurant. We had enjoyed the company so much of a couple from brighton who were the only other two guests at the time and the owner. The food was delicious and so it should have been for the price. I had an esquisite evening, all until that was we decided to go into a pub for a drink afterwards.
It didn’t take long for my presence in the pub to be upsetting to the locals as i danced carelessly with my boyfriend and within 10 minutes i was being beaten in the head and kicked in the spine. I stood my ground, but helpless as 6 women beat me until i finally yelled my boyfriends name in pain. He was also hurt trying to fend these girls off and the owner finally stepped in and let us out of the back of the pub.
Unfortuantely i was too shook up to call the police, so we continued on to meet my brother and put the incident behind us. It was only later when my spine started to hurt and my head swelled i realised that i had some severe damage from the attack. The following day i called the police and visited the doctor. They took a statement and went down the usual procedures, including arranged for me to have photographs taken. It was all very daunting for me. Not once in 25 years have i been assaulted so violently. It was quite a shock.
Trying to read the instructions on the microwave packet was difficult the following day as i couldn’t focus at all. I realise that some damage has been done, but im not sure to what extent and despite doctors orders to get an xray, the hospital turned me away saying my doctor was an idiot for sending me for a coccyx xray, which apparantely isn’t something the hospitals do these days as it’s too high risk.
Moving on from this, the weekend of the 24th of July 2009 until the sunday i’ve enjoyed the global gathering festival in stratford. We set off at 6am on Friday and returned home bypassing our friends house to arrive here for Tuesday. Fortunately my brother cared for my pets, all 17 of them whilst i was away, which was very kind of him.
The festival was okay. I didn’t have as good a time as i would have if i hadn’t have got involved in the drug taking that everyone was doing. A rave with 60000 is quite impressive, but to be honest i would have prefered a lovely meal with my other half in a posh restaurant or a nice trip to tenerife for the week at an all inclusive hotel.
Of course i did enjoy the ostrich burgers which i’d never tried before and prodigy was quite good to watch along with gods kitchen, but i spent most of my saturday recovering from taking too many substances that were bad for me. In fact i don’t even know what i was taking, it was very irresponisble of me and i remember waiting in the toliets for the hallucinagenic effects to wear off as i couldn’t really tolerate it. Some people love this, but not me. I don’t mind being happy, but experiencing reality shift to such a massive degree is not my idea of fun.
Again i manage to get roped into the social circles that take drugs. My preference though is to spend an evening with my sister making a curry and enjoying a dance around the kitchen or having a barbacue as we did this summer with friends. My passions are so invigorating for me that i really don’t need drugs. I love horse-ridings, personal development and reading, eating out, spending time connecting with friends on a deep level, dancing, singing, travelling. I wish i could influence my friends and my boyfriend in a positive way towards a more healthy lifestyle. Maybe we all need to take up sky diving together and go hiking in the woods so we can connect on a more social and adventurous level.
Trying to help people i know are addicted, rather than just following the crowd, as i do, is very difficult. To become to the leader rather than the one who is more submissive, which i am by anyones outside perspective. Inside though i do have a great deal of determination and focus which i can apply to a given situation, it’s just being able to decide how to implement my ideas without causing any problems with everyone.
Just off the phone from my friend. I really miss him. He’s my best friend infact. He has helped me so much in my life with everything and always been there for me when i need him. I do trust him alot even though he has let me down on a couple of occasions, i have done the same to him. His dream is to go live in tenerife. I’m thinking about taking a holiday here at some point and am sat with the brochures having a browse to see if i can get something reasonable that is all inclusive. I’ve never booked a holiday before so it’s a new experience for me, despite having been on several.
I’m glad to hear my friend has sorted his finances and has a lodger. I myself will be getting new keys to a new property tommorow as my tenancy has expired here. I’m excited about moving into a house that is of neutral design and very comfortable with a small garden for my animals and i plan to invest in a new hutch on the 3rd when we book the van to move our furniture. There is quite alot to get soerted out and my main aim this week is to handle moving and get my forms into the council which i need to get back that they are waiting on.
I’m about to start looking for work this month to see if i can find something on a reasonable salary to run along side my business. I’m happy at the moment with things just plodding along as they are, as iv’e alot of personal things on my plate that need dealing with. Some of which include my frequent trips to the vets as my cat has a problem pulling out her fur. This has cost in the region of £400 to deal with and my rabbit has mallocursion, costing about £12.50 to have his teeth trimmed each time along with two other bunnies that have runny eyes so are on antibiotics, which is costing another £18-£40 a week. Such an expense. My outgoings for my pets is now totalling around £200 a month including vet bills. It used to be only £70 when things were going well.
My boyfriend is abit distant from me at the moment as i’ve had to use his card alot, infact i’ve spent £1000’s of his money to survive whilst i’ve been unemployed and he is getting restless, so finding work is a priority for the moment. It’s difficult for us to spend any time together going out when finances are tight.
In front of me though i’ve a nice varse of flowers my neighbours daughter brought me for saving her pet rabbit called ruby, she was found in my trash and i reported her to the RSPCA, before the neighbours got in touch and let me know she had a home. I would have taken her in, but i’m glad that the little girl got her pet bunny rabbit back.
The plan now is to start getting a routine again that will help me move forward with my life.
31st July 2009 What a lovely quotation
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”
- Mother Teresa
It’s 15:10 and i’ve decided to prioritize myself, my happiness and that of those closest to me. I feel like i’ve been running round in circles not knowing what to do, asking questions from the people i love, expecting them to make my decisions for me.
Journalling has been difficult, for it requires me to be in touch with my emotions. Sitting here back on cipramil that i got from the doctor to supress my anger and irritability, i feel that i may have failed myself in going onto these tablets. I feel much weaker on them as a person, although i don’t anger quite so much or get so emotional.
To me however, life is about experiencing the colour and full range of emotions, not just living inside the box that soceity creates and those around you who would prefer you to conform to there standards and belief systems. Personally i’m sure that i can go back to my own ways, but i’m sure there are many other people in the world with problems who stay trapped by the seemingly harmless antidepressants.I won’t speculate anymore. I just know that it’s probably not natural, but then nor is eating chips or unhealthy foods and drinks but i do this regularly also.
I would say we have a drug epidemic at the moment, if it’s not prescription drugs, it’s hard drugs from dealers that are the next choice for most. I don’t know may social circles where drugs are not involved in some way or another, whether prescription based or not. It worrys me, my experience of drugs being an elevated experience of human life. However should we not be going out of our way to gain these experiences safely or has drug taking become so common place that it is safe, that society is actually founded on it in many respects. This is the invisible thread that holds people together, keeps people at work, keeps people in check and keeps this system together. Again i’m just philosophizing here as per my recent experiences and that of others i know.
My brain feels somewhat messed up today. The last month has been eventful that’s for sure. Since i wrote last my memory is so poor. I remember i missed my grandads birthday and i still keep meaning to get him a gift to take through when i have chance. I remember that i bought a new rabbit pen for the bunnies to enjoy some grass and sunshine. The thing that sticks in my head the most though is being assaulted on sunday 12th july. My brothers birthday.
My boyfriend had taken me out for a meal to a lovely local italian restaurant. We had enjoyed the company so much of a couple from brighton who were the only other two guests at the time and the owner. The food was delicious and so it should have been for the price. I had an esquisite evening, all until that was we decided to go into a pub for a drink afterwards.
It didn’t take long for my presence in the pub to be upsetting to the locals as i danced carelessly with my boyfriend and within 10 minutes i was being beaten in the head and kicked in the spine. I stood my ground, but helpless as 6 women beat me until i finally yelled my boyfriends name in pain. He was also hurt trying to fend these girls off and the owner finally stepped in and let us out of the back of the pub.
Unfortuantely i was too shook up to call the police, so we continued on to meet my brother and put the incident behind us. It was only later when my spine started to hurt and my head swelled i realised that i had some severe damage from the attack. The following day i called the police and visited the doctor. They took a statement and went down the usual procedures, including arranged for me to have photographs taken. It was all very daunting for me. Not once in 25 years have i been assaulted so violently. It was quite a shock.
Trying to read the instructions on the microwave packet was difficult the following day as i couldn’t focus at all. I realise that some damage has been done, but im not sure to what extent and despite doctors orders to get an xray, the hospital turned me away saying my doctor was an idiot for sending me for a coccyx xray, which apparantely isn’t something the hospitals do these days as it’s too high risk.
Moving on from this, the weekend of the 24th of July 2009 until the sunday i’ve enjoyed the global gathering festival in stratford. We set off at 6am on Friday and returned home bypassing our friends house to arrive here for Tuesday. Fortunately my brother cared for my pets, all 17 of them whilst i was away, which was very kind of him.
The festival was okay. I didn’t have as good a time as i would have if i hadn’t have got involved in the drug taking that everyone was doing. A rave with 60000 is quite impressive, but to be honest i would have prefered a lovely meal with my other half in a posh restaurant or a nice trip to tenerife for the week at an all inclusive hotel.
Of course i did enjoy the ostrich burgers which i’d never tried before and prodigy was quite good to watch along with gods kitchen, but i spent most of my saturday recovering from taking too many substances that were bad for me. In fact i don’t even know what i was taking, it was very irresponisble of me and i remember waiting in the toliets for the hallucinagenic effects to wear off as i couldn’t really tolerate it. Some people love this, but not me. I don’t mind being happy, but experiencing reality shift to such a massive degree is not my idea of fun.
Again i manage to get roped into the social circles that take drugs. My preference though is to spend an evening with my sister making a curry and enjoying a dance around the kitchen or having a barbacue as we did this summer with friends. My passions are so invigorating for me that i really don’t need drugs. I love horse-ridings, personal development and reading, eating out, spending time connecting with friends on a deep level, dancing, singing, travelling. I wish i could influence my friends and my boyfriend in a positive way towards a more healthy lifestyle. Maybe we all need to take up sky diving together and go hiking in the woods so we can connect on a more social and adventurous level.
Trying to help people i know are addicted, rather than just following the crowd, as i do, is very difficult. To become to the leader rather than the one who is more submissive, which i am by anyones outside perspective. Inside though i do have a great deal of determination and focus which i can apply to a given situation, it’s just being able to decide how to implement my ideas without causing any problems with everyone.
Just off the phone from my friend. I really miss him. He’s my best friend infact. He has helped me so much in my life with everything and always been there for me when i need him. I do trust him alot even though he has let me down on a couple of occasions, i have done the same to him. His dream is to go live in tenerife. I’m thinking about taking a holiday here at some point and am sat with the brochures having a browse to see if i can get something reasonable that is all inclusive. I’ve never booked a holiday before so it’s a new experience for me, despite having been on several.
I’m glad to hear my friend has sorted his finances and has a lodger. I myself will be getting new keys to a new property tommorow as my tenancy has expired here. I’m excited about moving into a house that is of neutral design and very comfortable with a small garden for my animals and i plan to invest in a new hutch on the 3rd when we book the van to move our furniture. There is quite alot to get soerted out and my main aim this week is to handle moving and get my forms into the council which i need to get back that they are waiting on.
I’m about to start looking for work this month to see if i can find something on a reasonable salary to run along side my business. I’m happy at the moment with things just plodding along as they are, as iv’e alot of personal things on my plate that need dealing with. Some of which include my frequent trips to the vets as my cat has a problem pulling out her fur. This has cost in the region of £400 to deal with and my rabbit has mallocursion, costing about £12.50 to have his teeth trimmed each time along with two other bunnies that have runny eyes so are on antibiotics, which is costing another £18-£40 a week. Such an expense. My outgoings for my pets is now totalling around £200 a month including vet bills. It used to be only £70 when things were going well.
My boyfriend is abit distant from me at the moment as i’ve had to use his card alot, infact i’ve spent £1000’s of his money to survive whilst i’ve been unemployed and he is getting restless, so finding work is a priority for the moment. It’s difficult for us to spend any time together going out when finances are tight.
In front of me though i’ve a nice varse of flowers my neighbours daughter brought me for saving her pet rabbit called ruby, she was found in my trash and i reported her to the RSPCA, before the neighbours got in touch and let me know she had a home. I would have taken her in, but i’m glad that the little girl got her pet bunny rabbit back.
The plan now is to start getting a routine again that will help me move forward with my life.
Giving Thanks
- Speaking to my neighbour in the street, having a nice conversation
- My boyfriend telling me about his poker experience, it’s quite interesting to listen too & also him buying me a bottle of red wine tonight
- For my vets bill today only being £56.00 despite taking three of my pets to the vets.
- It was wonderful my cat and rabbit got on today in the carrier and pets at home allowed them in the store whilst i did a little shopping.
- Speaking to my sister on the phone when the rain was pouring down and talking to her about how beautiful it was.
- Having a lovely walk to the shop, twice as i forgot the sugar for our tea!
How to move house
“I sent an email off to all the private landlords in the local area- I got an email back asking if i wanted to come and view a property. I let the woman know i could put down a full deposit and got the keys that week!”
How I did it: I asked the universe for a property to suit my needs. That evening i received an email back from some i’d sent an enquiry to from a lady letting me know that this house had the perfect space for my pets, for me to live and it was absolutely stunning. Far nicer than the house i had been owning prior. It’s just a case of looking on websites for private landlords that are letting property if you can’t go through the agencies due to credit problems and most landlords are fine providing you can pay a full deposit and first week or months rent in advance.
Lessons & tips: I did hesitate- and someone else viewed and agreed to pay the deposit- Fortunately they pulled out the next day, but i was lucky! I already new it was the right house- yes there was a couple of things i thought i could improve on , like maybe an extra room and a fenced in garden, but it had everything i needed!!! Lesson i learnt is not to hesitate- give the landlord what they want and grab the keys if it’s the house for you 
) I did see another house- i didn’t think i would be happy there, it was bigger and had what i needed, but it’s never worth sacrificing your dream for something that is not quite right. You will know when the house you want arrives- you feel it in your gut!! Good luck everyone x
Resources: Private Landlords- My credit file is awful so couldn’t go through the traditional right move and other agencies who want background checks- try renting privately if you have any problems- make sure you get a tenancy agreement that expresses the notice period of two months.
It took me 1 week.
It made me Fantastic!! 
Learning about Accounting…Jan 06, 06:16PM PST
I’ve decided that each day i’m going to read a couple of pages on different subject matters to expand my knowledge of the universe. I have a book here by j.r dyson called accounting for non accounting students. After reading the intro i’m ready to start working on my understanding of The accounting world and accounting rules. As i progress through each section, i will update my progress here to show what i have learnt and to acknowledge that i am moving forward with this and have absorbed the information, not just skim read it.
Other areas i would like to read on is spiritual healing, quantum psychology. I also intend to setup a forum shortly on these subjects and would like to have a deeper understanding of these things. I would also like to read more books on business, again more the accounting side of things more than anything else. I’m quite interested in handling finances.
Happy New Year- 05th January 2009 04:00am
Sat here with Eggheads as the IT crowd has just finished, i’m ready to go to sleep. I couldn’t help walking to the kitchen though in total awe of my life and feeling totally grateful to God at how amazingly lucky and beautiful it is. I’m not sleeping early at the moment due to the club we went to on new years eve. Staying up until 7am really messes up your sleep pattern drastically. Even so i’m starting to think about just going to bed and closing my eyes as the thought that some people will be starting there day in only two hours makes me realise how out of synch i am with the rest of the universe.
I can remember thinking this time last year that i am going to have to disconnect my services if i can’t make more money, such as the internet and gas and electric etc. Amazingly i’ve managed to get through a year successfully and launch my business fairly well, gaining so much knowledge throughout the year of what it takes to run a business. I think i’ve had to learn these lessons that others would consider mistakes to grow my charactor. I really don’t believe you can move forward without going through this learning experience. The ability to progress is through understanding and dealing with life’s lessons, not by avoiding making them.
This year handling finance has become a part of life rather than a burden. The ability to juggle debt safely, maintaining a positive cashflow has been magnificent to see. Life constantly demands that we pay for our experiences and learning how to let wealth flow in and out of your hands gracefully knowing that you will encounter financial summers and also financial storms in life is comforting as i let go of this need to control and have everything in order and realise that chaos is the natural state of life and that to be able to maintain that chaos and discipline myself daily to do the things that will bring a good and exciting life is what is required, exerting prudence in these situations.
Since i wrote last at christmas, i had an interview for a job in a call centre which i managed to get. This starts in february. I sailed through the interview of about 7 different tests, including audio tests and roleplay. The 25 hour week at £6.50 per hour working 4pm until 9pm suits my requirements well , meaning that i can run my business in the week without any interferance. I also have the potential to earn bonus ontop of the £507 net basic wage i will have. Even so i’m still in a situation now where i need to increase my income this month. I require atleast £400 for January to be comfortable and ideally £600.00.
I sorted out my payments with my creditors writing a letter to them offering them all payment arrangement which i need to follow up this week. It took me a whole day to do an income expenditure, but i’m glad i sorted it. I also came to an agreement with my mortgage company to accept only £280 on the mortgage and secured loan rather than the normal £947 minimum that i am required to pay each time. I know they will now expect slightly increased payments, but they are being very good with my situation and are happy to accept my usual payments for a short time.
Before leaving for our trip on new year , i fed all the bunnies and made sure that cats were looked after. I also cleared up some of the bedroom. I was really appreciative my grandma paid for the broken roof and the leak has now stopped thank goodness. I’m now able to take action in that room to get things in order.
Rather than take large amounts of clothes,i took only one small ruck sack, a dress and a couple of pairs of shoes along with my laptop for the trip on new years eve. On arrival at the hotel we were all checked in to a complementary upgraded room and had a party before we went out. I also enjoyed a really relaxing bath in the hotel and decided to wear a dress with stocking to go out in which ended up being ruined by the end of the night.
At around 10pm we all took a taxi to the club. We didn’t have to wait long to get in fortunately and managed to get in without any id even though i’d lost my passport. Intially i was abit nervous, but as the night went on, i met some beautiful people and had a fantastic time dancing. I wore my flip flops as we didn’t leave the club until 6am and then decided it would be good to go back to the hotel with our friends and then on to there house. It ended up not being the best decision as we missed the train home and had to sleep four on a sofa bed as there wasn’t much room at this other location. Even so i’m glad we stayed with our friends. One of the guy’s is going through a rough time at the moment and it was good to meet him and also our friends girlfriend.
In the morning we did manage to get a train back in good time. It was lovely to be home with the animals and my tesco shopping online was much appreciated the next day. We enjoyed a lovely dinner and since then we’ve both been feeling the effects of a good night out. However in the last couple of nights i’ve managed to install some good contact management software and accounts software and do my data inputting for the business and i’m looking forward to starting work again tommorow. Working for myself though means it’s slightly difficult to regulate what i’m doing and i think that i will start going through to my friends again to work as i find it easier outside my own home due to having so many pets here.
The most amazing new year! Jan 03, 04:17PM PST
New year was absolutely fabulous! I really enjoyed my trip with my boyfriend to stay in a lovely four star hotel and then our amazing evening at one of the best clubs in london. We arrived at the hotel early in the day and had a drink and a dance before leaving in a taxi for the big night! I enjoyed the most amazingly relaxing bath in the luxurious bathroom in the hotel and pampered myself for hours before leaving.
Later we met with our friends from london and our close friend’s girlfriend and brother. It a fantastically enjoyable night. I bought some really cool glow braclets and even though we didnt’ see the fire works, we were on top of the world. It was abit of a trek when we were all so tired to get to our friends house and we ended up sleeping four across the fold down sofa bed, very cozy! My boyfriend brother joined us on the trip and had a great time also and it was good to meet new people.
Financial Outlook
Just having reviewed my cashflow. My current finances allow me to get through January with the secured loan and mortgage paid. I need to earn a minimum of £350 to comfortably pay everything that needs attention. As the business data is due for renewal and i can’t really afford the online crm i’ve been using, this will reduce my costs by atleast £250 a month. However i do plan to find a more cost effective data source and cheaper crm at some point in the near future. Ideally i need to get a job this week and have three weeks paid salary at £514 net which is 120 hours at 5.50 or around 120 hours at £608.40 as a minimum. I’m looking forward to the career hunt this week. I plan to get something in the industries of either animal care, hotel or reception work, financial work or business consultancy. My other ambition this year is go on a voluntary trip to south africa on a wildlife conservation project. It would be my dream come true to be able to hold baby lion cubs in my arm, work with wild cats and watch them hunt. The site below offers these trips for only £1000 approx for a month, less than i pay monthly to maintain my mortgage and home bills! This is definately going on my goals list for this year.
Making space! Monday 29/12/2008 19:04
I spent most of yesterday making space for my boyfriends clothes in my enormous 3 compartmental wardrobe. When he arrived home, i showed him all his clothes neatly laid out in one of the sections, and i’d managed to find half the things he had been missing like socks and t-shirts. I could tell he really appreciated it as his face lit up and i felt really happy that i’d brought that light to his eyes. I could tell he was pleased at my efforts as generally i’m quite inconsiderate of him. Not purposefully of course, but by nature.
I also made him a lovely chicken dinner with fresh organic carrots, which make all the difference to the meal. I’m not sure what it is about organic food, but you can definately notice something special about it. We snuggled up on the sofa watching “how not to live your life” and it was great to spend time together surrounded by candles and it felt good that we had made up after an argument and to know that our relationship is filled with strength and compassion.
How to be more understanding
“To see a perspective that truly isn’t my own, that is totally contrary to my own values, to accept someone for who they are regardless of my own expectations. This has been a challenge. Posted-Dec 24, 11:20AM”
How I did it: I listened to the other persons story, i trusted their judgement. I struggled to come to terms with many things and this person didn’t live up to my expectations, but by lowering my standards for that person, (not for myself) and accepting myself as i am and them as they are… i’ve finally come to a good level of understanding and compassion. A place i never thought i would achieve as my beliefs on certain topics i’ve been so adament about. However i’ve realised that you don’t have to compromise who you are to allow someone to be who they are and that many times you are expecting others to live up to standards which are too high. This doesn’t mean that you have to lower the bar for yourself, but you can realise that other people have different values for themselves and expectations of themselves and accept this.
Lessons & tips: Have patience , understanding comes with time.
Lower your expectations for others- let them be who they are.
Become accepting of others without expecting.
Resources: reiki
It took me 2 years.
It made me feel grateful
Ambience
